3rd Time's a Charm?

Ugh, I don't even know what to say.  To be honest, I still haven't been able to say "it."  But the bad news keeps on comin'.  Today I wanted to post a sign on my cubicle that said "Warning, please do not talk to me today."  But, I'll try to keep this post as positive as possible, despite how I'm feeling.  What I have learned, though, is that it's ok, and normal, to feel sad, angry, discouraged, hopeless, frustrated, scared, etc.  I thought for sure it was going to work this time!  And I know that it's important to allow ourselves time to grieve, because we truly have experienced a loss.  And, boy, did I grieve yesterday.  My lovely husband even brought me McDonalds french fries, and not 1, but 2 milkshakes!  And, yes, I ate all of it last night, and I don't feel bad one bit, because I think I deserve it. :) 

Dr. Jarrett called me today to say he was sorry, to see how I'm doing, and to tell me to hang in there.  Everytime I'm around him or talk to him, he always makes me feel reassured.  He truly has a gift of not only being an intelligent doctor, but also being sympathetic and encouraging to his patients.  For that, I am so grateful. 

Some things I have been thinking about these past couples of days to try to stay positive:

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming :)

Everything will be ok in the end.

If I have to go through this, at least I'm going through it with Jimmy.

Tough times never last.  Tough people do.  (thanks Sue)

Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."  (thanks Val)

"You can program yourself to be positive.  Being positive is a discipline...and the more adversity you face, the more positive you have to be."

God, I trust you with this.

And once I've had time to grieve this loss, it's time to pull myself up by my bootstraps (or high heels), put on my tough face, and fight my way through the next cycle. 

Yesterday, I didn't know how much longer I can put myself through this physically and emotionally.  But today, I'm feeling more optimistic about moving forward with the next cycle.  We will meet with Dr. Jarrett in a couple of weeks to talk about where we go from here.  I'm positive that he'll make me feel reassured and full of hope.